I have a bunch of ideas in store to write to you about. But none of them felt appropriate for my current mental and emotional state (read my last post). So I will continue in this diary/rant kind of fashion for now with some bits of advice.
Drunk on love – comes the hangover
My last post went a bit dark. Actually several of my friends reached out to me to ask if I was okay. “Well, nothing so serious that I can’t bounce back from it. But a lot to handle.” All those heavy feelings – even if things took a positive turn with the boyfriend – are hard to process and it doesn’t happen very quickly. Saying that you’re sorry, is an important step, but won’t make all the hurt feelings vanish all at once. I’ve been taking life day by day. There are clear, happy, relaxed moments and then this invisible weight on my chest and shoulders presses down on me again.
This metaphor has probably been used before, so I’m just confirming: love is like a drug or alcohol. I get a little taste and then want more. Then the more I had, the better idea it seems to have more. And when I had enough, I realize I lost control. I can’t control my thoughts, my movement. I’m a mess.
So is it all worth it?
Putting my heart out on the line? I mean falling in love is sooo easy. I (like others) practically fool myself into loving the other person. And when I’m already in too deep – as I inch my way deeper and deeper, cautious as I might be – I’m often left there without someone to lean on. I make room for the other person in my life, start to trust them and take that leap of faith, to trust them to take care of me – and they leave a gaping hole. And I don’t only lose the person I care about, I lose the person I used to turn to for emotional support in hard times.
If I keep saying “I can do it on my own” – as is my reflex reaction if I fall and people want to help me up – I’m safe, because I won’t miss the person I relied on for help. Relying on someone else is terrifying.
Ed Sheeran captures these types of feelings beautifully in his song Dive. Take a listen:
I don’t want you to take my stance as the ultimate truth. I’m sharing to help people who went through / are going through or maybe will go through a similar emotional turmoil. But I still can’t hope that it will all work out.
We’re conditioned to think that no matter the hardships, if you stay open, love will find you and you just need to hold on to it tight. Despite all my fears after the big break up two years ago I told myself to be open and patient. And just keep a lookout for situations that don’t feel right and get out of them. But what about the situations I feel good in? I don’t want to get out of those. In fact, I want to let go more and more and just accept the big lump of happiness in front of me. But in the end, these are the relationships that can be extra hurtful.
(Source of picture.)